On Opening Closed Doors.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." - Norman Cousin

Buried deep inside my heart is an ever-diminishing window of opportunity, one that I've slowly and brutally pried open over the better part of this last decade. I can't even begin to recall all the late nights, fruitless encounters, and steadfast frustration that's gone into this venture of mine. The process has been exceedingly difficult, often flirting with self-abusive...but I'm happy to say I'm weeks away from feeling confident enough to take that leap into the vast unknown.

I've to admit though...now that my feet properly dangle over the edge of this rabbit hole, I'm scared senseless. I've been preparing for a nearly unreachable moment. Odds are, I'll give it my best try, then watch as I thoroughly fail. Trust me, I know how this all ends. It features me succumbing to a disappointment so intense and scarring that I doubt I'll ever fully recover.

And that's downright frightening.

2010 has allowed me to realize several cornerstones of my life, one being that I tend to focus a disproportionate amount of my time either existing in the present or planning for the future. As a result, my past gets sidelined, transfigured into a hazy blur of what once was. Seriously, "blur" is the keyword there. More than often, I find myself having sincere trouble remembering rather prominent events of my life. You're telling me, I once had a job reintegrating ex-felons back into society? For a whole year? Do tell!

These last six months I've made the effort to closely examine my past...and appreciate it for what it was: different, unique, and maybe even a little bit extraordinary. What I'm found is this: life is not simple. It's complex, unknowable, and mainly out of our control.

I plan on traveling a path that offers very little ease or security. Overcast by a rapidly-growing wasteland of other people's failures, its going to take an incredible amount of determination (and sheer luck) to get anywhere near success. It sounds like a lot...but dammit, I'm going to take the plunge, even in spite of the fact that it will likely crush a very vital and tender part of who I am. Do you want to know why?

Because I want to live.